I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
