I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Why can't burritos get me drunk
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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