I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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