i just sent this text using only my big toe
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
