Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
