Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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