ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
