Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
