Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
