The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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