TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
