In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
