phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
