"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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