I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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