She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
