does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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