I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
