note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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