he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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