how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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