She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
