In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
