god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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