why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it's like iHOP with fire
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
