When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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