i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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