I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
