Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
