I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
