five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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