Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Someone came in the potted fern
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
