I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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