I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
