I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
