I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My life is pants optional.
Randomize