i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
