it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
