doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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