i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
