I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
