I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
