Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
