I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
