apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
