Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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