Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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