Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
