Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
