Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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