if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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