Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize