I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize