the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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