Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
