You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize