Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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