Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
