please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
