So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
