under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
