Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
