Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize