Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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