just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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