in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
