Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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