Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
