after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
