I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
